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Introduction
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So here's the message that I got in my inbox:

"TCD can you please speak to personal hygiene when on the road and while fetting.  My friend and I were at a fete and this one dude was so funky that we couldn't believe it. I'm not even sure that he knew it. He was so well dressed and kinda handsome but my goodness, he was so funky."

- Kay S.

It seems like fete and road hygiene is an issue from the inbox messages that I've been receiving so I ga address it right now.

I would like to apologize in advance if this offends anybody but, this has to be addressed. And I'm not going to mince any words because I feel very strongly about personal hygiene and let's keep it real.... We are all grown.

We all know standard fete and road etiquette. We know if you want to pass by somebody, you give a lil tap on the shoulder on the hip, say pardon me or excuse me when appropriate and make your way through the crowd. We know if you don't want to wine, that you can just take a step forward or give a 2 second wine with a back way "bump off" and that is enough for a person to know that this dance is now done.

I mean, we all know some of the unwritten and written rules of fetting. 

But let's talk about hygiene and the imperatives.

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BREATH
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First and foremost, there is absolutely no reason for your mouth to smell like ass crease or the space between the hind leg and scrotum sack of a pitbull.  None!!!  Some of y'all breath in the fete smells like you gargled with $hit water. There is too much gum, mints and mouthwash on the planet for this to be so.  Now, I'm not telling you that my breath never gets tight. It does. But when it does, I'm not hollering in nobody's face.   Look, I like to use mint strips and altoids. I'm not a huge fan of gum because there's so much jumping up and down and yelling and dancing in the fete and on the road that I don't want have a mishap and choke. So I just use the mint strips or chew on the mint and make sure it hits the tight spots and keep it moving. 

Also, after I eat in the all-inclusive fetes, I swish out my mouth with water to get the extra food from out of my mouth and in between my teeth. And then I hydrate and use a mint or some gum.  This is what I do.  And I'm sharing these REAL tips because it's lil $h!t like this that nobody wants to tell you. I'm cool with letting you know how to put your eyebrows on "fleek", how to vajazzle your vajayjay for the road and how to pretty up your boots and make them comfortable but we also gotta keep it 100!!

So, next up......

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ARMPITS
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Now here's the deal.

I don't care if you have armpit hair or not.  From what I'm seeing, and according to CNN, it seems like armpit hair is a growing trend for women ( http://www.cnn.com/2015/06/17/living/feat-feminist-armpit-hair/ ). 

Okay, I lied...... I do NOT like armpit hair on women, but that's just my personal preference, it has nothing to do with this article but I thought I'd share that piece of information.

So, as I digress.....

LOOK, there are two options for your armpit.... and praise be to God, I don't think that I should have to discuss this but from what I'm seeing, I most certainly do. 

There is DEODORANT and there is Antiperspirant. They are not the same thing. 

And GOD BLESS some of you that use cologne or perfume as a funk cover.  You cannot take a pile of $h!t and spray Chanel Number 5 or Happy or Issy Miyake on it and make it smell better.  It's still $h!t. And when you move it, the perfume is not going to be what you smell, it will be the $h!t. 

Look here....

According to Wikipedia:

A deodorant is a substance applied to the body to prevent body odor caused by the bacterial breakdown of perspiration in armpits, feet, and other areas of the body. A subgroup of deodorants, antiperspirants, affect odor as well as prevent sweating by affecting sweat glands.

Antiperspirants are typically applied to the underarms, while deodorants may also be used on feet and other areas in the form of body sprays.

Now lehwe address this properly. If you leave your hotel or home and ONLY put deodorant under your arms, you are going to have a problem in the fete. (Hell, you are going to have a problem where ever you go if you sweat and are out for a few hours.)

So please use antiperspirant.  Use it in conjunction with your "smell good" and/or deodorant of choice.

And men, I'm all for the use of Axe body spray. As a matter of fact, I use it on the road. But don't go overboard.

I generally go the refreshing truck when I'm playing in Tribe and wash my hands and arms and apply another coat of antiperspirant and then use some of the body spray to stay fresh.  And I don't go overboard. Just enough to stay as fresh as possible.

Please understand that the bag that you have on when on the road or that little over the should clutch bag that you have, ladies, should have the following in it. Gum, perfume or a small parfum, some deodorant and antiperspirant or a combination roll-on.

And now...... for the grown folks....

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BODY HYGIENE TIPS
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Listen good people. Rushing out to the fete without taking a shower because you are going to be late or you just got off from work and want to roll through, is a "no-no."

Wash yo' ass!!  And yes, I said it just like that.... So deal with it. 

We've all bounced from one fete to the next.

Cool.

We've even gone to back-to-back-to-back fetes. 

No scene. I get it.

But, more often than not, this is Trinidad Carnival type of pace.  And even then, you do go back to your residence and take a quick fresh to, at least, hit the hot spots.

But if you don't. And if you are going to back to back fetes and you have your own transportation, then you must keep some baby wipes, wash cloths, rubbing alcohol, body spray, cologne/perfume and a change of clothes in your car.  (Look, every carnival vet, at one time or another, has changed clothes in the parking lot or in the car.

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ROAD REALITIES
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Listen, when you get back to your room after being on the road for 6, 10, 12 (and sometime 14 hours for those that go super hard and show up for carnival Monday or Tuesday in TNT at 6am or 7am with their breakfast chits in hand) - you are gonna be slightly tight on the funk side. That's a fact.

I remember getting off the road on Carnival monday this year and taking off my pants to hop in the shower and I balled up my fist ready to fight someone. I was going to fight the stanking ass dude that just tried to run up on me. Then I realized that it was me that was smelling funky like that. I thought somebody had snuck up behind me in the bathroom. But nope, that was all me.  Smelling like garbage truck juice.  My two sapodillas and 9 inch banana....ahem, 7 inch.....well 5.... okay, okay, okay.... and my 4.2731921 inch banana :-(   smelled like boiled ass.

Hell, I'm 40, ain't no sense in my lying......

(let's get back to the article....)

And it is possible to get that funky after 10 hours of sweating, jumping, winin, running, waving and revelling.  But..... you need to have good enough sense to know that if you do a boat ride in the morning and then go to a day fete that you need to shower in between those two fetes or utilize some of the aforementioned tools to freshen yourself up.  Because being funky is now wayyyyy out of context.   And being funky in de fete is UNACCEPTABLE. 

We've all smelled someone who was a lil musty on the road.  And we get it.  It's all day. We are in the sun. We are sweating. A little body highness is in context per what we da deal with for the day.  But, in the fete?

C'mon man!!! Fete funk is a no-no.

Please govern yourself accordingly.
And Remember these 5 things....

1. Understand the proper use and function of deodorant and antiperspirant

2. If you are a stateside or local or have transportation, please keep the following amenities in your car if you are fetting back to back.  (deodorant, rubbing alcohol, wash cloth, change of clothes, parfum/perfume/cologne, baby wipes, mouthwash, gum, mints, bottled water, toothpaste, toothbrush)

3. If you have armpit hair, please be aware that the hair keeps in the perspiration and sweat and the breakdown of such perspiration creates body odor. You must be vigilant about this. (and trust me when I'm telling you this. Your friends will not tell you that you are are funky in the fete. If the hair under your arms is natty like dred then this might be something that you want to pay attention to.

4. Look, it's okay to go into the bathroom and check yourself. Smell up under your arms. Run a check.  It's cool. It's no different than looking in the mirror to see if you have a booger in your nose.  And just like your friends don't tell you when they see the booger, most won't tell you when you are funky in de fete.  And all of we does thank you in advance fuh yuh compliance.

5. Men, keep a hand towel on you to catch the perspiration as it comes. Yuh flag is yuh flag. Yuh rag is yuh rag. But yuh hand towel is your saving grace in the fete. It's not just to wipe the sweat. Remember, perspiration is a good thing. It is released so that the body can cool itself.  But, it's breakdown can create body odor.  All odor is not bad. Funk is bad.  Your hand towel lessens the buildup of the perspiration on your person and your clothing. Use it. It's a good tool to have.  And here's a quality tip that my good friend Winston Williams taught me. (Lightly spray your hand towel with a little cologne. Don't drown it, just spray it. Fold it up in your pocket so that when you wipe yourself down in the fete, you stay smelling nice while removing some of the perspiration.)  ;-)

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Closing
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Please, once again, govern yourselves accordingly.

Blessings From Here To There,

Rhadi Ferguson, PhD
"The Carnival Doctor"

P.S. For the best information in the world concerning carnivals please visit www.TriniJungleJuice.com  For the most comprehensive site available for fete tickets and masquerader costumes, please visit www.MyCarnivalBands.com

P.P.S. For more information on how to properly prepare for carnival like a true veteran, please visit www.CarnivalPrep.com